I am the writer/owner of ‘MA! motherhood with attitude.’ The artist/owner of our company, Tiffany, will add her two cents on this blog now and then, as well. Tiffany and I often talk about the struggle to earn a buck through our freelancing as we also try to make the ‘MA! dream’ come true. Our mission is to expose ‘perfect parenting propaganda’ for what it is: hogwash! We adore imperfect parents (and embrace the fact that we are among them.)Who Am I Now?
I’m really struggling right now. Ever since the Christmas holiday break, when I had my girls around me nonstop, I’ve felt lost during the day while they’re at school. (Moms of toddlers underfoot all day probably should not read this entry. You won’t “get it” and I’m not sure I do, either.)
When Delaney was born back in 2001, my entire world was rocked. I remember TRYING DESPERATELY to make motherhood fit into my previous life. But one day, I came home from work late and, when I stepped in the door, Dave was cleaning the kitchen and told me Delaney was already down for the night. I dropped all my work crap on the floor right there and started bawling. It wasn’t working.
So, I quit my job and started freelancing from home. It was not as easy as that sentence sounds. I really struggled with it. Not only did I have to learn to work at very odd hours and usually I worked like a woman on fire since I never knew how much time I had, but I had to train myself to stay home! I had to learn to cope with the isolation and to then reach out in ways I had never reached out before.
Delaney and I established our own rhythm and, while I always felt NUTS in my dual roles as stay-at-home mom and freelance writer, I never doubted that I was doing the right thing. I was home. When Allie came along in 2003, I wasn’t as shocked by the transition … though the mere physical demands of motherhood doubled and I faced constant exhaustion. Yet again, I didn’t doubt my role and I had complete focus on what I was SUPPOSED to be doing.
Now, Delaney and Allie are both in school full days. And I am in transition yet again. I find that I still work like a woman on fire and I have trained myself so well to stay home that I don’t have a clue how to emerge from this cocoon! There are days when I doubt what I’m doing. I lack the focus I had when they were home.
I used to think that they’d go to school and all the new “free time” would be this glorious gift, something I earned. Now, I realize I don’t know what the hell to do with free time!
I really am struggling and I keep telling myself to be patient with this transition because, if I’ve learned anything from motherhood, it’s that I can adjust. I can become the person I need to be. But right now, it’s very hard.
Janalee, this really resonated with me. I’m looking forward to the time when my girls start school and I can be my own person again, but… it also fills me with terror. Like, getting-the-shakes-and-need-a-drink kind of fear. It’s wonderful to know that I am not the only one who has trouble with the idea of transition and life after being a mom of preschoolers.
Thank you!
Comment by megans — February 27, 2008 @ 11:06 amThis reminded me SO much of me when my kids first started school full time! Now I have adjusted and feel that there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done I need (and want) to do. I remember when my oldest went to kindergarten (full day). I still had my 3-year-old son home with me (he was in preschool three afternoons a week). That first week was SO hard! I was such a part of my kids’ preschool, yet the kindergarten teacher didn’t want us to visit for the first THREE WEEKS! I kept thinking, “What are they DOING over there?” The school was only two blocks from our house, and I seriously thought about sneaking over and peeking in the windows to see how she was doing.
Comment by gbernacchi — April 2, 2008 @ 2:47 pmWhen my son went to school full time, he was READY, so it wasn’t as big of a transition as I had thought it would be to have the days all to myself. But, as you said, it IS a transition. Everything is a transition with our kids. Preschool, kindergarten, then middle school will be another huge transition, then high school, etc., etc.
I too work out of my home, so I can relate to the feeling of isolation. I can also totally relate to the lack of focus. When the kids are around, you know you have a certain amount of time to get something done, so you do it. I find that I waste a lot of time now that they are in school full time! I feel like I have the whole day, but the day goes by before you know it. Like you, I tried to fit motherhood into my previous life, then finally embraced motherhood. I too quit my job and stayed home with my kids, which was an adjustment. I crave interaction with others, so I seek out friends during the week. But I also love working out of my home, because I can be here when the kids are sick or need me, and I can volunteer at the school.
Hang in there! This too will pass :)
[...] a good laugh, check out my blog post from February 19 when I missed my kids when they were at school. Motherhood = constant transition.) • [...]
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