Delaney turns 7 on October 1 and only now, four weeks away from the date, have I started to realize that I just didn’t ‘get’ six.

From birth through age 5, it seems like there are so many obvious benchmarks for a mom to monitor and nurture and master. Nursing, teething, solids, walking, terrible twos, potty training, preschool and then, at age 5, kindergarten.

But six! What is six? It’s a no-mom’s-land of unknowns.When Delaney was younger, I was plugged into other moms with kids at the same stages as mine and we could talk strategy: such as, Did you give stickers or treats for pooping in the potty? But at six, it seems my daughter’s life is so much more internal than external and I have, I think, sort of coasted through this age, thinking it was easy!

But now, reflecting back, I wonder if I’ve missed some opportunities to understand Delaney and to meet her where SHE is. The ‘benchmarks’ aren’t so obvious; you know when that first step happens but how do you figure out that your daughter has new emotional needs and how to meet them? Delaney now seeks quiet time to herself. She journals. She struggles with emotions that surprise her (and everyone around her).

I recently reached out to a friend for help; her daughters are just a few years older than mine so she is my trail-blazer. She was a HUGE source of help… but I do sort of find myself yearning for the younger ages and easily identifiable stages. I suppose hindsight is 20/20 and I know now how to handle tantrums and potty training, yet at the time I was muddled.

Was I as muddled as I am now?

I am trying to understand my girls, to meet them where they are, to support them, but I do find these waters a bit muddier.

I’m done. Summer has officially kicked my butt. I CRAVE the routine of school! I’m DYING to have more than a 10-minute window in which to get my work done! I NEED some time to myself!

We’ve had an amazing summer: Bryce Canyon, Grand Canyon, Mesa Verde, Ouray, my 165-mile bike ride in the mountains with girlfriends, I turned 40!… So, I’ve had an incredible summer, but now, I need my routine back. Dammit.

The last couple of days have felt like those first few months when I decided to stay home and freelance, when Delaney was 4 months old. The days when she was in daycare, I had structure and focus. The days “off,” however, were completely formless and shapeless blobs. By 2pm, I’d be sitting on the back deck with her sorting through the rocks under our water faucet, wondering what the hell I was doing with my life.

Welp, now she’s 6 and Allie is 5 and I’ve come to realize that summer can take on a blob-ish form of its own. I do not want to pack it full of camps; they only had two half-day camps this summer. I LOVE having them around. I like taking off on spontaneous hikes and turning on the sprinkler on hot afternoons.

But then August rolls around and it’s like 2pm when Delaney was a baby. Now what? What? WHAT? WHAT!? What can I do with them NOW!? I’m simply not creative enough to come up with a freaking art project whenever they feel like it. I don’t read those mom magazines and stock up on art supplies. (Aren’t crayons and construction paper enough?)

So, I’m back to the questions I asked myself way back on those lonely afternoons when Delaney was a baby… When’s Dave getting home? When is it respectable to have a glass of wine? Where’s my chocolate? When’s Dave getting home?

So, I’m ready for school. I think the girls are, too. We’ve had a BLAST (we took off for lunch in Morrison today and then went hiking) but now it is time for life to revolve around school again.

(For a good laugh, check out my blog post from February 19 when I missed my kids when they were at school. Motherhood = constant transition.)