We flew home to Colorado on Christmas Day.  We enjoyed seeing friends and family, and my girls were thrilled to see snow (my girls are true Southerners?!!). On the 26th, my son decided he’d like to visit his dad.

About three years ago,  James realized that his dad would never be a loving, caring, parent, and that this failure of character wasn’t due to any fault of his.  I was relieved beyond belief when my son started to regain his feelings of self-worth, and to lose the guilt that his father had piled on him.  Per his request he hasn’t seen his father since that time .  

This summer, his dad was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer.  James’s emotional progress was thrown out the window and a large stinky pile of feelings was pushed in:  Should he try to reconnect to his now dying father?  Why didn’t he feel worse about the situation?  Maybe his dad would change? Maybe?

After five months of treatment, my ex-husband’s cancer is gone, for now.  He’s lost weight and hair, and seems to have aged 20 years.  We dropped James off at his dad’s house Friday afternoon.  Five hours later, James was relieved to come back to his grandparents’ house, saying his dad hadn’t changed a bit.  He’s still short-tempered, sharp-tongued and just plain ill-natured.  He didn’t get his youngest son even a lump of coal for Christmas.  

Today, James is irritated with everyone.  He’s condescending, grumpy and rude, especially to me.  It reminds me of long ago visits.  He would come home to me in this same mood, acting sullen and withdrawn for days.      

He did receive a gift from his father after all, but this one isn’t returnable.

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