Ask me how to strap a giant whale to my minivan and drive 1600 miles home with it! I'll tell you how. Ask me to define the word sharing. It's different than what you might expect. Ask me how to get your child to learn there's more to life than pb&j. Wait, don't ask me that. Ask me what it's like to have an autistic child. I'll try to help you understand. Ask me to show you my Mom of the Year award! Oops, usually I'm out of the running for that about 10 minutes after getting out of bed.
Yet, it's all good. Sure, the paycheck is lost in the mail but I still wouldn't trade this life, quirks and all. In my posts, I'm hoping you'll find humor and honesty and that you'll be able to relate to my humble acceptance of motherhood's ups, downs and in betweens.
Welcome to my world!
A Tarnished Halo
“God sent you Adam because He knew you were a special mom…”
Oh, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard this. I also know that it is always always always spoken with the best intentions. No one ever utters it without expecting that the intended receiver gets a warm and fuzzy glow on the inside upon hearing those words.
So, if you’ve ever said them to me, please don’t think I took them the wrong way. I appreciate the thought.
But I’m not perfect. And I don’t have a halo. If I do, it’s tarnished.
Adam, who is four and autistic, does require a whole bunch of patience. He requires more than I thought I had before I became his mom. But I’m not amazing, I’m not the most good-natured person on Earth, I don’t possess extreme amounts of optimistic thoughts…I could be any mom. I could be any person on this planet who is carrying a child and just wants a healthy baby.
I did get a healthy baby. I got a healthy kid. I got an amazing, smart, adorable kid…a healthy, amazing, smart, adorable autistic kid.
And I don’t believe for one minute that I was “rewarded” for being a great mom (the reward being a special needs child). I don’t think I was punished, either. I think it’s just life, you know? It is what it is and it’s not what it’s not. I don’t love my child any less for his circumstances and if some people think that makes me a better person, well, guess what, it doesn’t. Any mom worth her salt steps up to the plate if she has to.
But sometimes, just like I did BEFORE Adam was born, I have my moments when I give in to my frustrations. I have moments when maybe I raise my voice and I shouldn’t and moments when my patience is gone long before it should be. I have moments where I give in to the whining just to make it stop, moments when I allow more TV to be watched than is probably excusable…hey, do I sound like just any mom of just any kid?
Do I sound just like you?
So because I am just like you, please, don’t give me any extra points. I don’t deserve them.
I’ll see you in the same Mom Heaven that I’m going to.
Thank you for this blog, Hillary. I imagine that it feels like pity sometimes — the way people express their ‘awe’ of you. I remember when my mom was sick with cancer, people kept telling me, “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” Or later, “You are so strong because of what you went through.” I know they meant well, but I just wanted to UN.LOAD. on them. I never did. I just thanked them.
Your blog continues to help me understand your motherhood journey and I realize that I fall too often into the category of mom who may annoy the crap out of you. :) But I’m learning! (no, your words never feel preachy. I just think, “ah ha!”)
BTW, thank you for your email last week, too. I’m so impressed that you said what you did to that male traveler… and that you even THOUGHT of it so clearly and quickly.
jc
Comment by Janalee — April 5, 2009 @ 8:15 pmLove it, Hillary. We have a special needs nephew and I always thought, “My how I love him, but I could NEVER do that.” It’s great to see how NORMAL it can be. And apparently you are a great mom too- despite what you think! Keep up the good work.
-Deb
Comment by Debbie — April 6, 2009 @ 12:23 pm