For a couple of weeks now, I’ve felt unable to express the complex feelings I’ve been having about my surprise pregnancy.  I haven’t had the words because I haven’t fully understood why I feel such extreme emotions:  from bottomless fear to electric, joyful expectancy. Yes, I’m hormonal.  I’ll give you that.

But there is also this…

When you tell people that you are surprised to discover that you’re pregnant, most of them make the leap to “electric, joyful expectancy” much faster than you do.  It’s human nature!  So, as I’ve faced the bottomless fears, there have been few outlets to express them. People first wrinkle their brows, nod somberly and then — they just can’t help it — bust out into a grin and say, inevitably, “It’s such a blessing! It will all work out!”

This is true.  Each day, I feel more comfortable knowing that it truly will “all work out” and I am more free to contemplate the blessing.

However, I have finally come to the realization that even blessings can be stressful. I just wish — and I am not thinking of one individual here, so if you’re reading this taking it personally, it aint about you! — that people allowed me to feel the stress before they insisted that I express joy.

Give me time. This is QUITE a process!  In fact, for everything to “all work out,” I have to put in a TON of effort. It’s not like I can sit on my bed rubbing my belly and it will “all work out.” I have had to call doctors, labs, radiologists, insurers, nurses, billing offices, hospitals… We are getting bids on plumbing, egress windows, drywall… We have canceled our cable, a cell phone, any dinners out…

I’m not whining because we’re fine. We’re figuring it all out.  In fact, maybe that should be the key phrase everyone uses: “You will figure it all out.”  At least that statement allows for the fact that Dave and I must guide this blessing from stress to joy.

All that said, I truly am starting to feel the blessing more often than the stress. Well, when I’m awake!  Just as with my last two pregnancies, at Week 7, I fell asleep. I intend to wake up again around Week 12.  I don’t get morning sickness or anything awful.  I just can’t stay awake. It’s as bad as newborn sleep deprivation, only without the newborn.

Still, it’s a reminder that this blessing is real. And each day, I release some of the stress and discover an intuitive joy that only an expectant, joyful mom can feel.

I haven’t been a dieter for a long time but, to this day, I carry a real grudge against Slim-Fast. My animosity is not because the shakes are more chemical than food, not because the plan basically only allows for one actual meal a day, not even because every single product is designed to be sweetsweetsweet, which tends to leave me fantasizing about salty potato chips and hot dogs far more than I would ever do under normal circumstance.

No, I hate Slim-Fast for their Peanut Butter Crunch snack bars– only 120 calories! 15 vitamins and minerals! A healthy treat to carry you through the day!

It’s heaven.  It tastes exactly like a Butterfinger only without the guilt bomb.  Well, that is, without the guilt bomb if you only eat one. 

I do not.

All these 100 calorie packs that are all the rage right now– yummy cookies, small candy bars, tasty crackers, even brownies and cakes– are just a lie. Because, yes, if you just eat one, you’re good to go, you’ve indulged and now your day can continue on with whole grains and lean protein and lots of water.  Yay for you!  But who does that?  Who only has one? I cannot believe that I am alone in my lack of restraint.  One six-bar box lasts me approximately 2 days, 3 if I am being very, very good. 

Maybe if I opened it, took out one serving, then hid the rest… but no. I’d still know. The only solution that works is not to buy it at all, which I follow most of the time. I usually don’t keep treats in the house at all, but sometimes…

The Frog and Toad story about the big batch of cookies Toad baked says it all.

“We must stop eating!’ cried Toad as he ate another.

“Yes,” said Frog, reaching for a cookie, “We need will power.”

“What is will power?” asked Toad.

“Will power is trying very hard not to do something that you really want to do,” said Frog.

They try various methods of putting away and hiding the cookies, but to no avail– they always know how to get to them. So Frog goes outside and calls all the birds, who come and eat up the cookies for them.

“Now we have no more cookies to eat,” said Toad sadly. “Not even one.”

“Yes,” said Frog, “but we have lots and lots of will power.”

“You may keep it all, Frog,” said Toad. “I am going home now to bake a cake.”

 (mmm…munch, crunch… two more bars left in the box!)) I’m with Toad.

I could probably be considered a vain person.

I typically don’t like to be seen in public without making an attempt at looking fierce, whether or not I actually accomplish that goal is a matter of opinion, yet at least I’ve tried. I’m often asked, “What are you so dressed up for?” when the reality is, I’ve been doing nothing all day, I just wanted to wear cute clothes instead of my yoga pants and sneakers. Even when I AM wearing yoga pants and sneakers, usually I’m also wearing makeup and have styled my hair, lest anyone think I just rolled out of bed. I’m not fanatic about my body, but I exercise and watch what I eat when I need to.

I just feel better when I put myself together. The downside of that is that to put myself together usually takes about an hour (two if it’s a workout day) which means that there’s an hour out of my life that could have been spent doing something more productive.

This summer, I’ve let myself go. To an extent, anyway. The exercise and diet still remain a priority, as there is a Ghost of Chubby Adolescent Past inside me that I don’t want to see again in the mirror. Ever. Other than that, I’m pretty much slacking off in the personal appearance department.

Yes, I shower. Most of the time, anyway. I won’t deny that there are a few times when that shower occurred at the endof the day but those are usually days when a shower would have been pointless to begin with. But my attire? Hmmm…hardly Project Runwayworthy. I seem to have two pairs of shorts that I alternate from day to day, or maybe a swim cover up or something like that. My husband and I ran an 8K at the end of May and the best thing to come out of that was a blue T Shirt that I will admit to once wearing to bed AND halfway through the next day. Makeup? Forget it. What’s the point if you’re going to end up at the swimming pool or beach or watching your sons’ summer activities in 95 degree heat? My hair? Well, let’s just say that I’m trying really hard to grow it long (for like the 100th time in my life) and I’ve discovered that the less I mess with it and the less I look at it in the mirror, the easier it is to ignore and just let it grow, already. This means a lot of baseball caps. I finally have enough of it that if I use a really wide headband, I can form some type of ponytail but it ain’t Paris Hilton’s stylish little nub, trust me. Sometimes I’ll even confess to just getting the hair wet and then letting it dry on it’s own. The woman that cuts my hair calls this the “Summer, beach-y look” and claims it’s tres chic right now but I’m pretty sure the results I get when I do this are not going to be featured in In Style magazine anytime soon.

I have to admit, this sloth existence that I’ve created for myself this summer has been pretty liberating. It’s one less thing that takes up time in my day.  Like I said, it frees up an hour to do something worthwhile, whether that’s housekeeping or getting my kids to their activities without rushing and screaming “Hurry up, we’re running late!!!” when it’s my fault we’re running late in the first place. I’ve also found that on days when I do make the effort, I avoid tasks that might wreck the fruits of that effort.

My husband has never said a negative word about the transformation that has taken over his formerly vain wife, yet who could deny him if he were to express concern over where that person has gone and will she ever return? I mean, this is a man who has mentioned many many times that while he believes it will be my flat iron that eventually kills me, he does dig the results that it gives.

Not to worry, Dearest, because as I call it liberating, it’s also temporary. There’s a pang of failure I feel at the end of the day when once again, I neglected to pull it together. And today, as I write this, I’m fully groomed, hair straightened and glossed, full makeup, jewelry even, and you know what, I feel good. I have a clarity that I don’t have on days when I haven’t made any personal appearance effort and whether this is right or wrong, I feel as though I have more of a purpose (however, I will NOT be going out to vacuum out the minivan like I’d planned. Then I’d have to start all over again and I can only do this once a day for sure!) I’m not saying I’d win any Hot Mom contest, but if I were forced to enter such a thing, I’d definitely do it today rather than yesterday, when I showed up to my sons’ baseball game with hair that had been intimate with a thunderstorm earlier in the day.

So while I’ve let myself go this summer, I have full plans to get myself back in the fall. That’s when my boys go back to school and I’ll have more time to devote to my old self. I look forward to reclaiming my vanity.

Until then, it can collect dust next to my lip gloss and uncomfortable but chic shoes.

My girls were perfect infants and wonderful toddlers. They never even went thru the terrible two’s. Just before turning 3, things changed. They completely tossed their “dream girl” status out the window!! I’ve heard that age 3 was harder than 2, but I didn’t really believe it… not MY girls, THEY are perfect. *sigh* The tower high pedestal I put them on has come crashing down! 

They are sweet and well mannered; gentle and kind; friendly and outgoing… when other people are around. But as soon as the front door closes, they turn into wretched little demons!! (said with much love, of course!) They have tempers, and are sassy; they talk back, roll their eyes, yell, growl… (I feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it!) Nothing we have tried has worked… nothing. 

Most days they are great! I’d even go as far as to say that 95% of the time they are still my perfect angels, but that other 5% pushes me over the edge. They are equally “bad”, but what makes Saniya stand out as “The One”, is that she is fearless. She can not be intimidated. Nothing scares her and no consequence concerns her. Saadia at least knows how to play the game. She will show remorse, or pretend to care that she isn’t being the best she can be. I’m sure she is playing us, but I’ll take it!! Saniya is just flat out unaffected! It’s sooo frustrating. 

We’ve been lucky that they aren’t the type to have tantrums. They don’t throw stuff or destroy things, so that’s good, but their mouths get them into so much trouble. They are sooo fresh!! Very very bold. I should also mention that they have taken to fighting each other. I’m talking, knock down, drag out, Jerry Springer style brawls. It gets ugly. Oy vey! 

Someone please tell that this is a phase… a very short phase.

My biological clock hasn’t ticked in almost 4 years, but there I was, minding my own business, and POW it starts banging!! I heard it loud and clear … “What’s one more?” “It would be nice!” “Go for it!!” At first I laughed it off, but I couldn’t shake the idea from my head. Is this something I really want? How would it affect my children? Does Aaron want this too? My mind was reeling, so I made a list and did the math. My head and my heart started to pound when I realized that we could afford another baby. 

I allowed myself to dream, to fantasize, to imagine another little baby to hold and love and squeeze. Would it be a boy or a girl? I think a girl would fit nicely. What would I name her? Oh, the naming is the best part! Who would she look like? A mixture of all three would be nice… 

I made the mistake of confessing my secret desire to a few (hundred) people, and received mixed reviews. Some people said to go for it! Others insisted that I must be crazy. Is it because I already have 3 healthy, happy children? Would I be pushing my luck to try again? Is it because my children are so young? Can’t argue with that, but I’m on a roll, so why not keep it going! Is it the twin thing? It seems like people think once you have twins you would be nuts to have another, let alone 2 more. 

I will stop right here and say that I wont be having another baby. My tubes are tied and I know in my heart that our family is complete, but can someone please tell my uterus that?? I still have the urge, but I once had the urge to go jogging, and that hasn’t happened yet, so I think Im pretty safe!