I am the writer/owner of ‘MA! motherhood with attitude.’ The artist/owner of our company, Tiffany, will add her two cents on this blog now and then, as well. Tiffany and I often talk about the struggle to earn a buck through our freelancing as we also try to make the ‘MA! dream’ come true. Our mission is to expose ‘perfect parenting propaganda’ for what it is: hogwash! We adore imperfect parents (and embrace the fact that we are among them.)Even Blessings Can Be Stressful
For a couple of weeks now, I’ve felt unable to express the complex feelings I’ve been having about my surprise pregnancy. I haven’t had the words because I haven’t fully understood why I feel such extreme emotions: from bottomless fear to electric, joyful expectancy. Yes, I’m hormonal. I’ll give you that.
But there is also this…
When you tell people that you are surprised to discover that you’re pregnant, most of them make the leap to “electric, joyful expectancy” much faster than you do. It’s human nature! So, as I’ve faced the bottomless fears, there have been few outlets to express them. People first wrinkle their brows, nod somberly and then — they just can’t help it — bust out into a grin and say, inevitably, “It’s such a blessing! It will all work out!”
This is true. Each day, I feel more comfortable knowing that it truly will “all work out” and I am more free to contemplate the blessing.
However, I have finally come to the realization that even blessings can be stressful. I just wish — and I am not thinking of one individual here, so if you’re reading this taking it personally, it aint about you! — that people allowed me to feel the stress before they insisted that I express joy.
Give me time. This is QUITE a process! In fact, for everything to “all work out,” I have to put in a TON of effort. It’s not like I can sit on my bed rubbing my belly and it will “all work out.” I have had to call doctors, labs, radiologists, insurers, nurses, billing offices, hospitals… We are getting bids on plumbing, egress windows, drywall… We have canceled our cable, a cell phone, any dinners out…
I’m not whining because we’re fine. We’re figuring it all out. In fact, maybe that should be the key phrase everyone uses: “You will figure it all out.” At least that statement allows for the fact that Dave and I must guide this blessing from stress to joy.
All that said, I truly am starting to feel the blessing more often than the stress. Well, when I’m awake! Just as with my last two pregnancies, at Week 7, I fell asleep. I intend to wake up again around Week 12. I don’t get morning sickness or anything awful. I just can’t stay awake. It’s as bad as newborn sleep deprivation, only without the newborn.
Still, it’s a reminder that this blessing is real. And each day, I release some of the stress and discover an intuitive joy that only an expectant, joyful mom can feel.
I always wonder if it’s okay to say, “Geez, are you freaked out a little bit?”, even though that’s my first thought in situations like yours. So I’ll go with my instinct next, but in the grand tradition of the do-over, “Are you freaked out a bit? Need help sorting out the how-will-this-work anxiety?” :)
hang in there, Janalee. If anyone could make this work, it’s you and your creative spirit and close family. *hug*
Comment by Megan — June 29, 2009 @ 9:10 amI have these exact same thoughts when anyone feels the need to pull out the “silver lining” in any particular situation. Every time someone feels like they have to tap their own personal reserve bank of hope in my honor, but without my request. It’s an interesting journey isn’t it? To go from the most base of fears to watching the joy emminate from yourself. But it does happen and how cool is it that you’re awake enough to watch it all go down? ;)
Comment by Shanyn Doan — June 29, 2009 @ 9:31 amOh, and by the way, the password confirmation for my post was “psuedo wuss.”
heheheeheheee…
Comment by Shanyn Doan — June 29, 2009 @ 9:33 amExtremely well put Janalee! I’ve often said that the hardest (or should I say most time-consuming) part of life is logistics. Things work out because of all the thought and effort we put into them and this should never be discounted. You rock – good luck with all the logistics!!
Comment by Susan Canetto — July 2, 2009 @ 9:36 amHow did I miss this post when you first wrote it? OMG…you just summed up two of my pregnancies. When I was pregnant with my second, I ran into another mom who was pregnant with HER second while still holding a bottle drinking baby (like I was) and all we could say to each other was “Don’t you just kind of feel like an idiot?” For real–we both said that and laughed. We’d all heard the “all babies are blessings” comments and they are true, also. But sometimes you still just wanna say “HOLY MACK! WHAT HAVE I DONE!”
Comment by Hillary — July 13, 2009 @ 8:53 pmAlso, laughing at the one of the confirmation words I have to list…”succumb”.
JC,
you rock! Way to be honest and real. You know I love that shit. Oh, wait, I publish a mag where that’s ALL WE DO.
So, I’ll give you a little whirl. I read your news and thought, “Damn, I’m jealous.” Yep! When a girl’s equipment has been yanked, she just imagines what it would be like…..the luxury, I suppose of fantasizing of the impossible.
If you don’t mind, I’ll channel my hopes for extended life into your little growing life, and consider him/her my own personal vessel for hope and life and all the things I no longer take for granted.
Also, when I come to Rose for treatment, I want to hold him/her THE WHOLE TIME if we can figure out a way to not expose him/her to any germs.
I love you, friend.
Comment by Heather — August 10, 2009 @ 9:54 amHeather