To my mother, sister and I, Thanksgiving is The Holiday. We start planning months in advance. We write out a guest list, menu, shopping list, job assignments, and table decor. We call, text, and email ideas, suggestions and other plans. We even have sit down meetings to go over our notes. Yeah, it sounds a bit obsessive but its what we do. We love doing things big, and everything about Thanksgiving is just that; big food, big family, big laughs and big love.

This year things started off as they always do… except for all of the disasters along the way.

Disaster #1: After a couple of weeks of planning a big surprise for my mother, I let it slip the day before that one of her favorite cousins was flying in from North Carolina. I felt like an idiot, but we were able to trick her again when his flight was delayed. We told her it was canceled and that he wasn’t going to make it.

Disaster #2: My mother and a different cousin stayed up all night drinking the night before and failed to notice that the oven wasn’t on when they put the turkey in at 4am. Thankfully my sister noticed at 7am, and got it started.

Disaster #3: Someone, actually several someones spilled that Cousin Ricky was still coming. Several people confessed to letting it slip. By the time he arrived, only ONE person out of 25 was surprised.

Disaster #4: My mother turns off the oven. Why? No one knows for sure. The turkey was still in there. She doesn’t know what she did, but we all saw her pressing buttons. By the time we noticed it was off, it was too late for it to get done in time. No problem. We had a back up turkey ready to go (and I bet you thought all that planning was pointless!!) and brought it out back to fry. We move on, putting the mac and cheese and roast beef in the oven.

Disaster #5: The oven stopped working all together! So, we gathered up the roast beef, yams, and the rest of the stuff that needed to go into the oven, and haul it across town to my house. Set the dial, pop it all in, and head back to my mother’s house.

Disaster #6: That didn’t work either. Apparently you cant shove 6 aluminum pans in an oven set at 350 and expect stuff to cook in an hour and fifteen minutes. Who’d a thunk it! So we returned with semi raw food. Thankfully by then they had the other oven working.

By the time we had everything cooked and warmed and ready to serve, it was 6pm. It may as well as been midnight! We normally eat very early, then continue to graze the rest of the day. On a normal Thanksgiving, I would have eaten three times, and taken a nap by 6 o’clock!!

They say good things come to those who wait, and that anything worth having is worth fighting for, and we sure as Hell were not going down without a fight! Despite all of the drama, we laughed and played the blame game and made wonderful memories for years to come. The food was amazing, and the company even better. We had a fantastic day, full of belly laughs and lots of love. It was exactly what the holidays are all about.

The question, What are you thankful for this season?, to me, is cliche. To say I am thankful for this or that sounds generic. Two people can finish the I’m thankful for…statement in the exact same way but the events that have shaped their statements may be deeply personal or a quickly thought up response when everyone was taking turns sharing their own at the annual family gathering.

So I’m putting thanksgivings aside for now and considering appreciations instead. Maybe it would be better to say that actually, yes, I do have many thanksgivings this year. That’s the end statement. What’s behind that statement are 365 days filled with little details and events, some of those personal, some of those experienced by those close to me, that have helped me truly appreciate why I have those thanksgivings.

This year, 2009, has not been my most favorite year. There are several reasons for that fact and as the year’s end is coming upon its close here in the next 6 or so weeks, I’ve been more than a little reflective on those reasons.

Sometimes it takes one of my not so favorite years to help me focus on my appreciations. Maybe after reading mine, you will consider your own.

This year, I appreciate the roof I have over my head. Not only do I appreciate that I have one, I actually really appreciate the roof that I have over my head.  The area that is my community has a lot of, well, having, and with that comes a lot of Look what I have! attitudes. It’s easy to get caught up in all of that and very easy to start feeling deserving of all of the Look what they have! that surrounds me. Some of the recent events of my life have helped shape my perspective a bit. Now I look around and think, “This is a great roof and so is the home and family under it” and that thought has brought me way more peace of mind than a 3 car garage and a gourmet kitchen ever could. So here I am, let me shout it: Look what I have! I have appreciation!

Speaking of the family under that roof, I got to thinking: if half of today’s marriages end in divorce and if financial strains, special needs children and military service are often factors that lead to those divorces, it’s very easy to wonder just how Rob and I have managed to keep from packing each other’s bags over the last few years.  I won’t lie.  It sometimes can be very difficult to resist even considering that the grass might be greener in two separate yards rather than one. Those are reactionary moments, the results of an unusually stressful day or poorly chosen words at poorly chosen times. The appreciation in this is for the commitment Rob and I both have to honor the for better or for worse clause in our marriage vows. Unfortunately, as is also often a factor in the breakup of marriages, Rob could most likely count on one hand the amount of times I’ve told him how much I appreciate him, even though he is one of the most devoted fathers and husbands that anyone could ask for.

I appreciate how wonderful my three boys are. Sometimes I get caught up in all the things I see that aren’t so wonderful and I worry way too much over those things. Then I attend three parent teacher conferences, one of which pertained to my four year old autistic child, and I realize just how unique and awesome those three are. I don’t mean this in a “My children are the brightest, most athletic, most popular, most talented children ever in the history of this school” kind of way. I just mean, they’re neat kids. When others think that and go out of their way to let me know their thoughts, well then, what do I have to not appreciate?

Grandparents have been something to appreciate this year. Actually, for all the years they’ve held that title,but this year my eyes have really been opened to how much I appreciate their involvement with my children. I only have had one living grandparent since I was 14 and I really don’t see her that often. I also have friends who live far from their own families and don’t get to experience all the wonderful benefits of having lots of grandparents within a 20 minute reach, as my boys do. They come to the boys’ games, they have them over to play and a couple years ago, they all (plus my above mentioned grandmother, age 92 all the way in from Palm Springs) attended the Grandparents Day celebration at the boys’ school. The principal of the school was so impressed with my boys’ grandparent entourage that he invited Logan down to his office the following Monday to talk about it over the intercom during the morning announcements.  When he sees me up at the school, he often asks about Great Grandmother all the way in from Palm Springs. Awesome.

My appreciation for grandparents ties in with my next appreciation, which is for life.  Unfortunately, this year has included one of those quirky, unfair curve balls that occasionally get thrown and my mother in law was the one standing at the plate this time.  A couple days after Christmas last year, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer. This came out of nowhere.  Out of all the members of my family and Rob’s, I’d have to say she was not the one I expected to draw that card. 58 years old, healthy, active, always after us to give up some of our less than stellar health habits.  That’s not the kind one expects to suddenly face a life threatening illness. I also appreciate gifted surgeons, one of which was able to remove her golf ball sized tumor as well as the medical research that has made possible the treatments to which she is responding successfully. I don’t always see eye to eye with my mother in law, as neither she nor I are ever afraid to speak our minds or fiercely stand our ground when it comes to our own opinions, but there’s no way I could deny that she is one of my children’s greatest champions. She has been since the day she found out she was going to be a grandparent.

Appreciation for life has a Part Two. My oldest son, at 9 and in the 3rd grade, is at the exact same point in his life that I was when my own mother was diagnosed with cancer. While there have obviously been many advances in diagnosing and treating cancer made since 1981, at the time my mom faced it, the prognosis was not favorable. I have to admit as I sit here writing this post, that I know when I was in 3rd grade I certainly didn’t have this appreciation for her life. In fact, it is really now as I think of my son(s), that I am overwhelmed with the understanding of how important I am to them as their mom, especially at this time in their lives, and how terrifying and heartbreaking it must have been for both my mother and my father to have planned for my younger brother and me to grow up without her.

Which is why I also have a deep appreciation for the unexplained miracles that occur from time to time. Just before I sat down to write this post, I sent my mom an email at the school she where she teaches, and next week she and I, along with my dad, will be having our traditional day before Thanksgiving lunch date. Life is good.

So now it’s time to use the word thankful. Now I can finish the This season I’m thankful for…statement.  I’m thankful that I what I did gain from this year was not bitterness or envy or despair, but appreciation for the things which make my life truly blessed.

Isn’t that the way it should be?

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

This may be the most obvious statement in the world: I have no privacy anymore.

This morning  I was ’heeding the call of nature’ and of course I had company.  Our bathroom doesn’t have a locking door, and to top it off, has a swinging ‘bar’ type door in front of the bathroom stall. 

Nice and private.

Anyway, now that you have a mental image (sorry), I was ‘busy’ while Eva decided to line up her entire toy set on the floor under the ’stall’ door. 

“This is the mommy horse, the daddy horse and the baby horse” (well, naturally)

“This is their owner and the  truck and the trailer and the yellow tractor” (er, 4×4)

“Let me get s’more toys, momma” (thunk thunk thunk goes her feet to her room with the sky-high pile of crap to choose from)

As I sit, she brings more and more toys, in an mischeivous plot to block any non-injurious exit from the lavatory. 

At least I didn’t have to bring reading material.

Recently I was lucky enough to have a girls’ week in New Orleans.  Last time we had a girls-only get-together was about five children ago.  We were extremely overdue for an escape. 

However, when we girls get away from the kids, we just end up gabbing about or gabbing to our kids. 

Figures.

I wasn’t even in the Crescent City thirty minutes and I was already perusing the Farmers Market to buy souvenirs for my children.  Perhaps it was guilt that I left them with their very-capable (no sarcasm, honest!) father for four long days, or the fact that I missed them, but I went a bit crazy in the gift department: Beads, masks, postcards, feather boas, pencils with ‘gator shaped erasers, post cards, and so forth.  You name it, I bought it.

When I returned home the girls dug into their box of goodies and had feathers in every crevice of our home within five minutes. 

The following week I had to work late.  I called home to tuck them in and my youngest, Eva, gets on the phone:

Eva: “Momma, are you still in New Orleans?”

Me: “No, honey, I’m at work.”

(At least 30 seconds of silence)

Me: “Are you there?”

Eva: “Momma, what are you gonna bring home for me?”

I am just finishing Week 28 of my surprise pregnancy, which means I have about 11 weeks to go before I meet this wee one. We’ve opted not to find out the gender, yet again, because despite the tactless, graceless, tantrum-throwing way I behaved when I discovered I was pregnant, I do love surprises!  I truly love that moment when the doctor says, “It’s a girl!” (so far that’s all we’ve heard) and my heart instantly says, “Yes, of course it is. I think I knew her all along…”

Looking back on the last 28 weeks, I recognize that one of the most rewarding aspects of this journey began when this baby started kicking me. Let’s face it: This has been stressful on me and on my family.  Not only did we have zero maternity care insurance when we discovered this blessed bombshell, but we have a two-room home for a soon-to-be family of five. Since May 27 – the day I looked at that pink stick in my bathroom and let loose a string of words not truly maternal in nature – we have made incredible changes in our lives!

But, as a friend recently pointed out to me, the most dramatic and important changes have been emotional. I’ve gone from panic to peace, from resentment to readiness, from self-pity to unabated joy.  I truly believe now that this was meant to be and that there is a profound reason that I am not in control of my own life.

And just when I start to slip back into panic mode, the baby kicks me and I snap back into peace.  The kicks help me keep my priorities straight…

• Basement remodel over budget?! Panic panic panic. Swift kick from this supreme priority growing in my belly… and back into peace.

• Freelance client giving me impossible deadlines? Freak freak freak out! Rolling flip in my belly while I’m on the phone… and back to bliss.
• Uncertainty over the future (my abilities and our finances)?  Fret fret fret. Middle-of-the-night nudge in my belly… and back to sleep.

I think it is a rare gift when we are forced to get back to our most basic priorities and that is what I’ve been given with this new child.  I find that I’ve returned to the simplistic view of my goals and even my expectations of myself. Life is about to get both harder and easier and I need to keep my priorities straight! Physically and emotionally, it will get harder because new motherhood is physically exhausting and I will need to extend my emotions to three incredible children. But the other expectations I place on myself (work, clean home, three-square meals, etc) will have to be reduced… and I find that I like the forced re-prioritization.

So, dear baby in my belly, thank you!  You have already helped your mommy straighten out her priorities… the first of many miracles you will deliver upon your arrival.