The events of this season, beginning around mid-September, have given me a firm belief that my household must be a repeated target of biological weapons.  Due to illness, my three boys have collectively missed 24 days of school–yes, 24! And Adam’s part of that only counts for 2 days! That means 2 of my 3 boys have racked up 22 absences from their school. Sheesh! It’s only the middle of November! And Logan still isn’t going to school tomorrow!  He and I will be headed back to the doc instead, which, by the way, could possibly be for the 8 zillionth time. I’m picturing the staff at my pediatrician’s office receiving holiday bonus checks that I may have actually signed. Through all of this, I must give a shout out to my boys and say thank goodness they are excellent students. If they struggled in school, I don’t know how they’d be on track to get promoted to a higher grade level next year.

And it’s not just been the boys. I managed to become one of the victims last week. I never get sick. If I do, it usually is a 24 hour thing that has me throwing up repeatedly every hour or so, nasty yes, but only lasting a day or two. What I had last week felt like something out of that movie with Dustin Hoffman that was out about 15 years ago, what was it called? Oh yeah, Outbreak. I never went in for the official H1N1 diagnosis but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what it was, and if it was,  let me be the first to say that it is all that it’s cracked up to be and more. Even now, more than a week after first getting hit, I still don’t feel 100%.

Pretty much all I have to post about this week is illness. Yay! Try not to get too excited, right?  It’s just that I really don’t know anything else right now. I’m too busy keeping track of who is taking what and when they last took it, who needs to go back to the doctor and who is possibly finally healthy enough to go outside. Last week, I actually almost gave my 9 year old Adult Robitussin because all the bottles seem to be just one big blur to me now. Fortunately I caught myself before I had another reason to call the after hours line. I also don’t bat an eye anymore at what the thermometer says. I’ve pretty much seen it all after this season and there have been times when I wouldn’t have been surprised if I could grill a steak on one of my sons’ foreheads.

Through all of this, I have managed to spend some time gathering insights and observations and so here they are, in no particular order. Let’s just call them 5 Random Things about Being Sick…maybe you can relate? Maybe you have a few of your own you’d care to share. Here are mine:

1. Having set a record for how many times one can call her pediatrician’s office in such a short amount of days, I am now more than a little suspicious that Dr. B’s office’s #1 policy is to first put callers on hold for 20 minutes in hopes that I’ll just decide it’s not really that big of a deal and hang up.

2. Speaking of suspicious, it wouldn’t surprise me if the local police haven’t been tipped off by the local pharmacy and are staking out my house waiting for the meth lab explosion. Sorry to waste your time, officers, I really am using all that cold medicine for its intended purpose!

3. Speaking of doctor offices, really, people, please stop giving me the evil eye when I come in with my coughing, lethargic child. Yes, I know that everyone is terrified of the Swine Flu, the Bird Flu, the Elevator Flu, the Forest Flu, the Whatever Flu…I’m sorry that I have to come here and ruin your child’s well visit. You have no idea how sorry! But until the good old days of house calls return, sometimes really sick people will end up in waiting rooms, too.

*Just to make sure that Uncle Bad Karma isn’t waiting around my house to bite me in the ass, I’d like to add this disclaimer that in no way am I making fun of the flu or the need to be proactive in preventing and treating it. I’m simply making an observation about people’s behaviors in doctor offices and buildings that contain doctor offices.

4. I’ve decided that it’s a good idea to just say “I don’t know” when my kids ask me what the doctor’s office visit will entail. Because it isn’t just about a shot anymore! Now they can add, “Will I have to put that breathing mask on?” (breathing treatment), “Will they stick that thing in my throat?” (strep test) and “Will it be the pink medicine or the white medicine?” (Penicillin vs. Augmentin, which, based on my kids’ reactions, must be similar to Bubble Gum vs. Rat Poison).

5. Someday when Adam is older and able to better communicate with me, I hope that he will accept my heartfelt apology for my psycho-screaming overreaction to catching him brushing his teeth with Logan’s toothbrush. It’s just that he’s been the healthiest so far and has managed to only have had 2 days of fever back in September. I just don’t know if I can start this all up again! In fact, I can’t. Adam, if you get sick, I’ll leave the numbers to Dr. B’s office, the nearest pharmacy, and also the local cab company by your bed. If you need me, I’ll be in the Bahamas.

So with that, I end my post and raise a white flag to this hateful army of germs. I’ve done all I can do I’ve fought a good fight, now please move on to another planet! We want our lives back.

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