Week 32! As people keep telling me, we’re nearly there. (Though time does seem to have stopped now.)  I’ve spent the last seven months bucking myself up for this surprise baby and I’m excited!  I have 8 weeks left and I am soooooo ready to meet this wee one! (No, we still don’t know the gender.)  Construction is done. The girls have moved into their new room. The baby’s room is even looking like a sweet baby’s room!  We are getting there. And we have done it with love and joy and humor – emotions I was not particularly feeling on May 27 when I discovered life was about to change completely.

But I have recently discovered a new ache. A new emotion.

I am grieving the loss of my current relationship with my daughters, Delaney and Allie.  Yes, they will still be my daughters and I will still be their mother, but things are going to change. I remember feeling this exact same way when I was pregnant with Allie and enjoying one-on-one time with Delaney.  I wondered if I had enough love and time and patience for two. And, to be honest, I didn’t want a new baby to change the incredible love that I was experiencing as a new mom.

Now, I fundamentally know that I have enough love for a third.  That isn’t the issue.  Rather, I am totally digging my girls’ company and I don’t want that dynamic to change!

Delaney is 8 and Allie is 6. They are witty, funny, thoughtful, complex girls and my relationship with them has become more mature every year. We enjoy each other!  What will happen when I have to plant my butt on the couch every two hours to nurse? How will they feel when we’re tied to the house for naps instead of out on hikes or bike rides? Will they resent the baby?  Me?

I do recall that, when Allie came along, Delaney was on the verge of hitting the Terrible Twos. She was 18 months old and transitioning from the perfect angel of baby-hood into a spirited, willful little person.  Allie became my easy refuge.  Just feed her, change her, nap her. Whereas Delaney’s demands were growing more unpredictable. So, in a way, the new baby was a refuge.

Will the same be true this time around? Probably.  In fact, I know that I romanticize my day-to-day with the girls because, quite often, they drive me bananas with their bickering and whining. It’s easiest to grieve this change in our family dynamic when the girls aren’t here!  Then, their little faces float up in my mind’s eye and they are smiling, caring, angelic beings.

The other night, I went to their room to kiss them before I crawled into bed, as I always do. They were sound asleep and stunning. I stared at them for many minutes and began crying, scared of the unknown changes ahead.

When I got to bed, Dave took one look at me and said, “What’s wrong?”

“I’m so worried that life is going to change too much,” I sobbed. “The girls are so perfect and kind and fun right now. I don’t want that to change…”

Dave paused. Blinked. And then simply said, “Wait until they wake up.”

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