What is it with kids acting up in public places?  They must know that I cannot come completely unhinged while dozens of witnesses look on, so every time we’re in a public place they embarrass the hell out of me.  I’ve made a short list of my no-fly zones of public places accompanied by children (like it’s possible to go somewhere without them, but I can dream):

Grocery Stores:  Where do I even begin?  They whine about being forced to go on a grocery ‘death march’ literally eight feet from the entrance.  They are overcome with lethargy within the first aisle and demand to ride in the cart (even if they’re too big for the kid seat and displace the groceries in the other part of the cart).  They ask for every toy, chip, chocolate bar and coloring book they see. They have an immediate need to visit the bathroom when the cart is half-full and the furthest possible distance from the bathroom.  They holler out “I won’t hit you again, Momma!!” after the 6th time of ramming my already-bleeding heels with the damned grocery cart.

Restaurants:   They demand specific crayon colors, usually ‘pink’, which restaurants DO NOT HAVE.  They take their sweet time figuring out what they want to eat, while the wait-person rolls his/her eyes and escapes with an ‘I’ll give you a few more minutes’.  When the food arrives they squawk like a stuck pig that “THAT ISN’T WHAT I WANTED!!” or “WHY DOES SHE HAVE THAT?  I WANT THAT!!!”.  They use their shirts to wipe their faces. They tell the waitperson every small detail about their day, and embarrassing bits about me as well (“My mom usually drinks a lot more wine than this!”).  They disappear under the tables (commando-style) eat food off the floor, comment on underwear colors and then pop back up (Prairie-Dog-style) in someone else’s seat which immediately causes an argument.  They visit the bathroom, several times.  The only time they don’t go to the bathroom is when I threaten to take them there for a ‘little talk’.

Movies (that don’t attract their complete interest):  Again, the bathroom thing, and usually right during an interesting scene. When they return (before you ask they HAVE to visits restrooms alone lately because everything is  ’BY MY-SEFF!!!!’) they can’t find our seats so they stand in front and scream “MOMMMAAAA????”  They want popcorn AND candy AND a drink (which they’ll spill), which costs about 8 billion dollars.  They talk/ask questions during the entire damn thing.  They fight over which seat they sit in. I always have to sit between my daughters yet they won’t let me use either arm rest. 

Malls: I cannot get out of a mall for under $100 with my munchkins asking for everything under the sun and subsequent dining out at the food court or adjacent restaurants, and rental of strollers that they are too big for but cannot make it *another step* else they’ll die.  God forbid if the mall has a skating rink, carousel, Rainforest Cafe or movie theatre.  I’d rather go to Vegas where at least I have some chance of getting some money back. 

Next week I’ll discuss portrait studios, parks, tire stores and ice cream stores, all of which I’ve had the pleasure of  ’accidents’ of the disgusting kind, as well as the abovementioned niceties.

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