I mostly spend each day living in brief gulps from one moment to the next. In between tickle fights and time outs, I also sweat it out each day on the tightrope that is PPD and all its repercussions in my family, my health, my marriage and my sense of humor. Some days are good, some days only wish they could aspire to the high ranks of pond scum, but it's all part of my life. And it's all worth it.
Preschool bully. What would you do?
Walking out to the car from school today, Anna wipes at her hair and makes a Yuck face.
“Ugh. K (protecting the not-so-innocent’s name) got spit in my hair AGAIN.”
WHAT?!
I ask her to clarify and she says, as if it’s commonplace (because apparently it now is), that the little boy she’s been having trouble with in her class is now spitting in her hair from time to time. You know, because it’s funny. He’s also been pushing her, tackling her, grabbing things out of her hands and generally being a, you guessed it, bully.
I’ve already spoken to her teacher once about it. She told me she’d keep a closer eye on interactions between the two of them. She also mentioned that he’s her Problem Student (the capital letters are her emphasis, not mine) and sort of rolled her eyes. And he especially likes Anna. Yay.
Another layer of the problem is that he’s the son of one of the other teachers at the daycare center. So if they can’t solve the problem and have to take action to remove him, then basically that means firing the teacher, too. She can only work because he’s in school all day and she’s got the discounted tuition.
In the car on the way home I found myself lecturing Anna that she should have told her teacher and gotten help cleaning her hair. The poor kid got more and more subdued until I realized that I was pissed off and taking it out on her.
“I’m sorry you’re having problems with K, honey. It’s not your fault. I’m going to call your teacher again today. I just want you to make sure to let someone know when he’s not being nice so that they can help you work it out, ok? I’m not mad at you AT ALL. When we get home we’ll clean up your hair.”
I don’t want to clean spit out of my 5-year-old’s hair. I don’t want her pictures to all have rips because K grabs them out of her hands whenever she tries to show someone how pretty they are. And most of all, I don’t want her to think it’s normal or okay for someone to be aggressive and demeaning to her. The way she’s just sort of accepted it as part of her day is the most disturbing thing, as far as I’m concerned.
I understand she needs to learn how to stand up for herself and master the basics of conflict resolution. But she’s FIVE, not 15, and I’m not going to make her stand up all alone. I’m also not thrilled about handing over a tuition check every month to pay for her to be intimidated and SPIT ON.
Besides talking to the teacher and then today to the center supervisor, is there really anything else I can do? All her friends are in that particular class and she really loves her teacher. If they move her to the other class, it’ll be more of a punishment for her than for him.
So. What would you do?
Oh, hell no!
The most effective tactics I’ve taught the boys is to say, very loudly, specifically and clearly, whenever someone is doing something they don’t like.
Anna could say loudly “Stop spitting in my hair, *K*!
Anna could add a nice piercing scream first to make sure the teacher is paying attention.
If it were my boys, they would probably even add the reason the action should stop – “That is UNSANITARY!” LOL! That’s how they roll.
If he continues doing it, she needs to repeat loudly, “I SAID stop spitting in my hair, *K*!”
Hell, if you could get her to shove him, I would tell her to do that.
My take is that if you make it so that it’s as much a problem for everyone else as it is for Anna, they will be more apt to act.
The squeakiest wheel gets greased, and all that. ;)
Comment by Maida — February 8, 2010 @ 2:59 pmWe’ve been dealing with bullies with Elijah this year in his new school as well and it makes me so angry I can hardly see straight.
Here are a few of the things we’ve really concentrated on:
In my opinion, the biggest way to defeat a bully is to be really empowered yourself. So we’ve been talking to Elijah about all the amazing things he can do (he won first place in his grade level in the school science fair, he did really well in the school spelling bee, etc) and we really focus on his friends and how they treat him, i.e. with respect and kindness. Because if we can make him see how NOT ok the bullying is and empower him in his own strengths at the same time, he’ll stand up for himself. And we all know the best way to deflate a bully is to stand up to them.
Now because he’s only in first grade, I’ve been trying to work hard with the school as well to not only follow through on Elijah’s empowerment, but also to make sure the bullying doesn’t get out of hand.
So far working with Elijah has yielded the best results…but I’ll keep you posted on how working with the school goes too.
(by the way, my security phrase was “diplomatic travesty” – how perfect is that?!?)
Comment by Shanyn — February 8, 2010 @ 2:59 pmWell, I know she has been telling him to stop and we’ve ingrained a strong “say stop and walk away” policy in both girls. I’m not ok with her pushing him back, I want her to find other solutions and especially at this age. I know she goes to the teacher *sometimes*, but she didn’t today with the spitting.Part of the problem, too, I think is that sometimes he is her friend, if that makes sense? So they’ll be playing and then he’ll go all crappy at her. She’s experienced the friend/bully before and just doesn’t know how to handle the difference– since it’s a friend, she’s ready to just say, “it’s ok”.
I’ll work more to focus on playing with her other friends, Shanyn, and talking her up more, too. And I agree, Maida, getting her to respond more loudly is a great idea. “My take is that if you make it so that it’s as much a problem for everyone else as it is for Anna, they will be more apt to act.” Sounds smart!!
Comment by Megan — February 8, 2010 @ 3:09 pmYou don’t pay for her to go to school so she can deal with that! I’d make a stink, it’s not your problem that they kid is a teachers child! All the more reason it needs to be dealt with (what kind of parent is she?)
Comment by alison — February 8, 2010 @ 6:13 pmThe sad thing is that this starts at a very young age and will never go away. I deal with it constantly and have very specific steps for the students to take so they can become their own person.
I’ll never understand why the sweet girls choose to hang out with the rough boys but they do. I would personally take in specific conflict resolution tactics for preschool classrooms to help the teacher, but many accept my opinion because of my training and experience. I like to use a ‘peace’ or talking rose. It is tangible and helps everyone get out their words, but the teacher has to be willing to stop everything to help support the students and those words.
I’m very protective over my little ones and have a hard time being calm when I see bullying. It happens in everyone’s class. It’s all in how the teacher deals with it.
I wish you the best of luck. Now is the time to teach Anna the words she will need for the rest of her life. This may be the first time, but it will not be the last. It is a part of life.
(Dani’s sister)
Comment by Amber Richardson — February 8, 2010 @ 10:32 pmUgh, no advice but NOT looking forward to dealing with this down the road! I’m so sorry! I sincerely hope that this situation gets resolved soon. Anna is just too sweet to have to put up with that nonsense!
Comment by Lea — February 9, 2010 @ 7:11 pm