Twenty weeks this week, halfway there. Today is my big ultrasound, the one to which most moms look forward eagerly. It’s a chance to see your little one “in person”, so to speak, and many families learn the color of the tiny baby clothes they’ll be buying soon. Pink or blue?

For me, though, there won’t be any color revelations. We’re not finding out the boy or girl surprise until this little person slips out into fresh air and its father’s strong hands. Hopefully, that is.  Not unless there’s something wrong. And there lies my guilt and anxiety.

Because, small though the chance may be, there actually couldbe something wrong. If so, it’s because of me. I made a decision when I first found out I was pregnant, knowing the risks, to continue taking my mood stabilizing medication. It’s not approved for pregnancy (it’s actually an anti-epileptic, of all things) and is linked to an increased incidence of a few different, some very serious, birth defects. The increase, as the doctors keep telling me, is only a few percentage points above that of the general population. My midwife, God bless her, told me she’s had several women on my medication go on to have perfect pregnancies and perfect babies. It’s not the worst medication I could have been taking. Hell, if this had happened a year ago when we were still experimenting with pills left and right, things would have been much worse.

The chance is small. But it’s there and it haunts me. We, Kurt and I together, decided that the balance of risk was more to me than to the baby. If I stopped taking my medication, my psychiatrist warned me, I could become very sick, very quickly. I’d be no use to a baby, much less my other children or my husband. Finding a balance in life is sometimes the hardest thing anyone ever seems to seek. I had to balance my health over the small risk to my child’s health.

We’ve obsessed over every medical study, interrogated my doctors to the point of exhaustion. We chose for me. I have continued my meds every day and truth be told, I will continue them through breastfeeding, as well.  It wasn’t a choice I wanted to make, but then again, no one really gets to pick and choose their conflicts, right?

Everyone says, “Don’t worry, it’s fine, of course everything’s fine, you’ll see.” But really, what parent doesn’t worry when there is a risk? From sleeping safely those first months of life to stumbling with those first steps, falling off the jungle gym to getting behind the wheel for the first time on their own– any risk to your child is nerve-wracking (in the least!). A risk you could have possibly prevented? Well… that’s even harder.

So there you have it. My ultrasound is today. We aren’t looking for girl parts or boy parts, we’re looking for a whole person. Whole and healthy and well-formed. I’m perfectly happy to settle for green and yellow onesies as long as everything is ok.

If it’s not, well… I want to know. Eventually, there are enough unknowns to last a lifetime.

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