I just read an article claiming to teach you techniques on how to deal with your children without yelling. I started it with an open mind, but as I read each step the sarcasm was screaming to come out. Maybe some mothers can and will benefit from these techniques, but I am not that mother.

Step #1: Breathe… They say that before your blood starts to boil, you should stop and breathe. I breathe all damn day, if it worked so well, why is my blood boiling in the first place? I’ve tried taking deep breaths, letting it out slowly, all it does is give me the look of The Hulk just before I lose it. As a matter of fact, I like this technique; adds to the intimidation factor.

Step #2: Speak softly… The idea is that children have to work harder to hear you, and will therefore calm down in order to hear what you are saying. Clearly the author has not met my children. Actually, I find that lowering my voice is an effective way to warn them that I’m about to snap. If that doesn’t work, see Step #1, for The Hulk.

Step #3: Help your child explain their feelings… When Johnny pushes Sally because Sally knocked over his tower, you say “I know you’re angry, but it’s not OK to push.” What does this have to do with stopping me from yelling so much? OK, I get it, if I’m busy coddling Johnny, I won’t notice that Sally is rolling her eyes behind my back, laughing at this week’s BS parenting technique. I get it.

Step #4: Have clear rules and stick to it… No more “I mean it this time!” while you shake your fist and remember your breathing technique. They say the kids will eventually call your bluff, and ignore the threat. I agree with this one. My kids are smart and see right through my whole “I swear on all that is holy and good; you will sit in that room for the rest of your ever loving life!” routine. Oh well, it makes me feel good just saying it.

Step #5: A strong bond makes discipline easier… So apparently if you have a strong relationship with your child, and spend enough time together, subsequent discipline will be easier. This does not address the issue of having to scream and holler in order to get one freaking minute alone so that you can piss in peace. Maybe I’m going about this all wrong.  

Step #6: Put yourself in their shoes…

Step #7: Praise good behavior…

blah blah blah… I’m bored with this.

I’m loud, I’m animated, I’m a screamer, and my kids are the same. I wouldn’t expect anything less. Why did I even bother reading that in the first place? Thanks for wasting my time Parenting Magazine. The next time someone writes an article about “Potty Training your Pre-Teen”, “Back-Handing the Back-Talker” or anything else relevant, please email me. Thanks.

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