I’ve been a mother for almost twenty years.  I have to be honest-I’m tired of being a mother.

I’m tired of the daycare expense.

I’m tired of the disrespect.

I’m tired of rushing home to make dinner that no one eats.

I’m tired of dealing with grumpy teachers and the endless homework.

I’m tired of the dirty house and umpteen loads of laundry.

I’m tired of no time to myself.

Yes, I’m evil, but most of all, sleep-deprived. 

Initially, I didn’t even want to be a parent.  The children that I babysat were whiney, physically distraught, emotionally stunted and troublesome.  I just wanted to be paid so I could spend it at the nearby record store. 

Then, I fell in Love (note the capital ‘L’) and birth control didn’t work.  Right out of high school I became pregnant.  I decided to keep my baby and raise him, which I did.  I put myself through college, dragging the poor kiddo and activity bag to night classes, meanwhile keeping him fed, educated, entertained and housed.

Years later I found someone else to fall in ‘Love’ with, and had two more children.  I love them.  (I really do!)  But, lately, as they approach the pre-teen years, I just feel beaten.  I haven’t had time to myself since the last millennium, and it’s wearing on me. 

When they have ‘back-to-school’ night I literally roll my eyes.  MY GOD PEOPLE!! I’ve been attending these snarky events since the 1990’s, give me a break. 

 I meet frequently with my friends, and travel, thanks to a decent spouse, but I still don’t have hobbies.  I haven’t written the novel of the century.  I don’t volunteer.  I don’t run for office.  I haven’t done squat.  I take care of kids.  Do they care? (Yes, that was rhetorical).

I spoke at length with my son today.  He’s now in college in Europe of all places.  I told him that I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.  I mean, what’s it all about?  Was I placed on earth to raise many children, for three-plus decades?  Thankfully, he inherited the wise gene in our family and he consoled me with ‘just a few more years and they’ll be teenagers, they won’t know you exist’. 

 Terrific!  Then maybe I can acquire that hobby I’ve been trying for since 1989.  Then I can take my sweet time heading home from work.  Then I can have spare (!!) change from the departed daycare expense. 

 Then I’ll miss them, and wonder where the time went. 

 Maybe I’ll take a nap.

I read a cartoon the other day with a kid snake in his room, eyeing a discarded snakeskin on his floor (bear with me), he complains to his mom “Why do I always have to have Kevin’s hand-me-downs??!!??”

I realized just lately that my youngest daughter’s life has been all hand-me-downs. 

Last night we went to a baseball game, just her and I, which is a rare event.  On the drive downtown she saw various Houston-area landmarks and asked about them.  I told her about our visits to those places, which happened before she was born.  When we got to the baseball field I told her about the time we took her brother to Tucson for spring training one year.  I also reminisced about the time I was pregnant with her sister and went with her father to a season opener. 

She wore her sister’s old Astro’s jersey. She held my old coin purse with her saved allowance in it to buy a baseball souvenir. She had her brother’s old baseball mitt for a stray foul ball. 

Stupid, obtuse me finally noticed the flicker of hurt in her eyes.  I started thinking back and realized how many memories I have in the two decades of parenthood that she’s not in.  I won’t even mention the blank pages in her baby book. 

The post-game fireworks started up and she asked to sit in my well-worn lap.  I curled my arms around her and breathed in her scent and reveled in her warmth.  She’s the only one that sits in my lap anymore, and that can’t ever be handed down.

For the last few weeks, I’ve been in what I call my “clean sheet” mood. All I need to make me happy these days is clean sheets and a good book.

I love this state-of-mind because it’s all about life’s simple pleasures. Mae’s giggles, Delaney’s budding enthusiasm for her singing voice, Allie’s complete transformation around grasshoppers, a good meal on the table, Dave’s silly sense of humor.

Sometimes — too often — I get wrapped up in the things that would make life “easier.” More money, more time, less laundry, a maid… but when I hit the Clean Sheet mood, I know I’ve got everything I need.

I changed the sheets this morning and all I’ve been able to think is, “I get to crawl into clean sheets tonight!” When happiness comes that easily, you know that the rest of life is darned good.

It’s no coincidence that fall is in the air and my soul is more content. I love the change, the muffling of summer’s busy ways, the anticipation of longer nights and less yard work. More popcorn and family movie nights!

There’s a line in a Sheryl Crow song that goes, “It’s not getting what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”

Today, I’m wanting what I’ve got.