Who Am I Now?
I’m really struggling right now. Ever since the Christmas holiday break, when I had my girls around me nonstop, I’ve felt lost during the day while they’re at school. (Moms of toddlers underfoot all day probably should not read this entry. You won’t “get it” and I’m not sure I do, either.)
When Delaney was born back in 2001, my entire world was rocked. I remember TRYING DESPERATELY to make motherhood fit into my previous life. But one day, I came home from work late and, when I stepped in the door, Dave was cleaning the kitchen and told me Delaney was already down for the night. I dropped all my work crap on the floor right there and started bawling. It wasn’t working.
So, I quit my job and started freelancing from home. It was not as easy as that sentence sounds. I really struggled with it. Not only did I have to learn to work at very odd hours and usually I worked like a woman on fire since I never knew how much time I had, but I had to train myself to stay home! I had to learn to cope with the isolation and to then reach out in ways I had never reached out before.
Delaney and I established our own rhythm and, while I always felt NUTS in my dual roles as stay-at-home mom and freelance writer, I never doubted that I was doing the right thing. I was home. When Allie came along in 2003, I wasn’t as shocked by the transition … though the mere physical demands of motherhood doubled and I faced constant exhaustion. Yet again, I didn’t doubt my role and I had complete focus on what I was SUPPOSED to be doing.
Now, Delaney and Allie are both in school full days. And I am in transition yet again. I find that I still work like a woman on fire and I have trained myself so well to stay home that I don’t have a clue how to emerge from this cocoon! There are days when I doubt what I’m doing. I lack the focus I had when they were home.
I used to think that they’d go to school and all the new “free time” would be this glorious gift, something I earned. Now, I realize I don’t know what the hell to do with free time!
I really am struggling and I keep telling myself to be patient with this transition because, if I’ve learned anything from motherhood, it’s that I can adjust. I can become the person I need to be. But right now, it’s very hard.
