Every now and then, something from the ‘outside world’ shakes me up and makes me question the choices I’ve made in my life.  When I say ‘question,’ I don’t mean doubt or regret.  Maybe I mean ‘ponder.’

What is it that has given me ponderings lately?  Sadly, it’s Edward Cullen.  Yes, Edward Cullen from the book series “Twilight” and the movie of the same name.

I saw that movie with my Daddy on Saturday and suddenly I was transported back to the dreamy, brooding 17-year-old I was in high school.  I wanted a BIG LIFE! I wanted to be an actress, have a glamorous life, be swept off my feet (continuously), and be WORSHIPPED by whoever I was interested in.

Cut to my current life, which is none of that.  Don’t get me wrong. Dave and I are incredibly happy, in love, and fortunate. But it just aint the big life I always saw for myself as a teenager. I’m remembering what an incurable romantic I was.

I’m not unhappy! In fact, those who know me today would just laugh at the notion that I could ever sustain a ‘big life’ because I am such a recluse, preferring my basement and a DVD to galas and gowns. But I do want to make sure I’m staying true to the ‘me’ I really liked being pre-marriage and pre-motherhood.

I find myself doing the laundry thinking, “Oh, Edward Cullen would find this SO fascinating.” I make dinner, pay the bills, clean the house, pick the kids up from school, and think, “Yeah, living the dream.”

Sometimes, those are the very things that DO give me profound satisfaction! My family is happy, safe, loving, and healthy. What more could a mom want?  Truly.

But there are definitely still remnants of that girl who craves surprises, romance and risk. How do I make sure I honor her, satisfy her, while I maintain this beautiful life I’ve built as a mom and wife?

Ponder, ponder, ponder.

Today was a typical Monday for me, meaning NUTTY!  Why?  Because Delaney has ballet from 4-5.  That is literally the ONLY extracurricular activity in our lives these days because I find it so hard to make everything happen those evenings.  Allie wants to start skating lessons and I plan to launch those in January (December is nutty by itself. Why embellish?)

So, here’s why after-school stuff is so hard for me — I am a bedtime freak. The girls go to bed at 7. And, yes, they sleep. But it’s crazy-making because we have to eat, do homework, shower, etc. between the time we get home and 7pm.

What do I do to make it go more smoothly?  I make dinner at 1 O’CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON!  I know this is a luxury. I work from home so making dinner at 1 is actually possible. A lot of families pick dinner up from random places on their way home from after-school gigs, but we just can’t swing that on a weekly basis, so my options are PB&J for dinner or make something ahead of time.

Today, at 1pm, I was grilling chicken, boiling orzo and sauteeing onions, thinking, “What in the hell am I freaking doing?”

Why do I care so much about what this family eats? Why do I care so much about a strict bedtime? Why do I care so much about any of these little daily routines that, if broken now and then, won’t wreck our lives?!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my need for routine. (My need for control?) I think I need to loosen up. Throw PB&J on the table… just the bread, the peanut butter and the jelly and some knives , not the actual sandwiches! Pick up dinner on the way home more often (because really? would it break the bank?). Let the kids stay up. Stop moving the ball ever-continuously forward. Stop stop stop.

I do need to let go. Now… how?

Please read this story.  Yes, I wrote it for the University of Denver Magazine, but I want you to read it because of a mom and her son… two of the most courageous people I know.

Saving Seph:

http://www.du.edu/magazine/archive/2008/04/index.html

Click “Read More.”

Just about 10 days ago, I wrote about missing the Stroller Days.  I heard from a lot of moms — via blog comments and email. Some moms told me that they read my blog and immediately turned off their computers, threw their kids in the stroller, and walked to the park!  Others — those who have kids the same ages as mine — reminded me that we will one day look back on today and miss these times, too.

Of course, they are right. Truth be told, I can look back on just about any moment in my life and find beauty in it, something to miss. Even when I look back on those months when my mom was sick, I find beauty — the beauty of being with her so much, of finding a source of strength in myself that I never knew existed (and now will never forget exists), of the intense focus that terminal illness provides.

And yesterday, I had one of those afternoons with my girls that I know I will miss just a few years from now.

It was a gorgeous day, so I picked the girls up from school and took them to the Botanic Gardens. We’ve been there often, so as soon as we got through the gate, they sprinted to their favorite area.  It is simply a huge, grassy hole in the ground!  You don’t realize it’s there until you are standing on the top of it. By the time I made it to the edge, they had already done sommersaults and cartwheels down to the bottom and were racing up to me.

I plopped down in the grass toward the top and watched them.

The sun was low on the horizon and shining right into my eyes. My girls were back-lit, forming two rolling, giggling silhouettes. Their blonde hair, flying around their heads, captured the sun and glinted like gold. Their laughter filled up my heart.

I laid back on the grass, took a deep breath, and closed my eyes to listen to them. I was deep-down happy in my soul.

Then, I heard the giggling getting closer and I knew a tackle-hug was coming!  Sure enough, Allie laid down on top of me and relaxed completely, snuggling me. Then Delaney ran up and laid down next to me. We didn’t speak.

As quickly as they joined me, they then departed, resuming their tumbling fun.

And I knew, in that instant, what I will miss about these precious days with my daughters.  They are independent enough for me to lie down and close my eyes while they play. And, simultaneously, they want me near, they want my hugs, they crave my company. In many ways, this ‘phase’ feels like the best of all worlds. I get to be a mom and be close to my kids and snuggle them like crazy, but I don’t have to hover over them, protect them from falls or from eating marbles.

I can focus on my own happiness as I also participate in theirs.

I miss these days already…

I just have to share this with you. It’s from a friend who has a daughter almost exactly Delaney’s age. She sent me this email and I nearly laughed out loud… then nearly cried like a baby.  These girls can be so demanding! Just so you know, this is the same mom who emailed me several years ago with the exact words that we used on our “Who painted the dog” card. Her life is a ma! goldmine!

From Kathleen:

Do you ever get those looks from your girls that you are a total loser?  I’ve seen that look a few times this week. First on Wed it was crazy hat day…wear a crazy hat and you get to be out of uniform.  We arrive at school at 8am, see all of the kids lined up and here is Ella in uniform and no hat.  Ella says:  “Mom you forgot crazy hat day!! “ And then gives me the look.

Today, I remember to take her turkey that she decorated, as well as her lunch, homework, gloves, hat, coats for the homeless and her library books.  We get to the classroom (because we missed line-up since we were late) and Ella says to me “Mom, you forgot the $2 for the Literacy Day!”  Again…the look.  It took all of my power to not say “Yes, but let me f*cking tell you what I did remember …”

I thought brain loss only happened when you were pregnant…apparently my brain is still shrinking because I can’t keep it together.